Behaviour Management

I wasn't planning on writing about this, but I saw an image in Pinterest with a little description that just completely broke my heart. :( I don't know that I will share it, because it feels like I'd be attacking the person who uses it in her classroom and I don't want to do that. I do, however, want to address the whole idea of behaviour management.

The picture in particular was part of a system where early elementary children were earning sort of points for their good behaviour and then they could trade in their accumulated points for a special activity at the end of the week. The ones with the most points get to pick first from the available activities, which means the ones who likely consistently have the fewest may never get to pick what they really want. And, of course, if they misbehave, they lose points. This is nothing new, I know. But I have been so long in the Montessori world/my own little world, that it breaks my heart to see people so happily talking about such systems and how "well" they work.

Do they work that well? I suppose it depends on your goal: do you just want good behaviour from the kids without changing what's causing the behaviour, fine, it works. But this is all just about controlling the child, giving carrots and sticks for them to behave how we want them to behave.

"What's wrong with that?"

Control is control. And if kids are learning from us, what are they then learning? These reward systems don't teach the children how to behave; they simply expect the child to behave and they'll get a reward if they do. The assumption is that the child already knows how to behave exactly right. So, what are they learning if they aren't learning to behave? That they can use punishments and rewards to control others, too. It is very easy to see in kids what they have learned about "behaviour management": those who get punished or otherwise controlled for not behaving the way adults want them to are the ones punishing or trying to control friends for not behaving the way the kids want them to. They also use the same sort of language on younger siblings that the parents do. We have to remember that when we are guiding them to behave in a certain way, they are also learning how we are guiding them. The child who is yelled at is more likely to yell; the child who earns treats is more likely to bribe a friend with a treat. (Yes, I have seen it!!! "I'll give you some of my ... if you...")

In any case, the blog post about the behaviour management system in question talked about inherent problems with such systems:

*some kids try to cheat (and I would guess these are typically the children who need the most guidance in social skills and perhaps have problems at home or some underlying issues, the ones who never earn enough for the special activities... they are doomed from the beginning of the week, know it, and since the focus is on the points...)

*other kids get excited about trying to see just how many points they can get during the week--the focus becomes the reward and not the behaviour

Do we not live in a society where so many complaints are made about the youth (14-25-year old's, maybe older) of today who have an attitude of "What's in it for me?"? Could it not be possible that the reward systems that have been prevalent in recent decades are part of what has created such an attitude? If the reason to behave is to get something out of it--rather than behaving because it helps those around you, keeps your relationships better, etc.--then are the youth with such attitudes really doing something other than how they have been trained?

Alfie Kohn (I love his books!!) writes about the problems with reward systems in Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes. (Yes, I am an Amazon affiliate. This link will take you to the US site; I think I have more US readers than Canadian readers. I will at some point have Canadian and American shops set up with the books I recommend, all nice and organized so you don't have to find the individual posts with them.) I think it is a must-read for every adult who interacts with children. He talks about the very problems the teacher shares (oh, should I recommend the book to her? :D): cheating, focus on reward (the teacher in question didn't see that as a problem though! :( )... How many of the kids who are struggling will simply give up because they can't get the reward that they want? I think my heart goes out to them most of all. These kids need guidance, not simply, "Behave and you'll get your points." They need to be treated like people. He wrote it sometime ago and I don't know that he addresses the prevalent attitude among youth, but perhaps an updated version of it should! There is so much great stuff in the book; you will never see rewards the same again.

"What then, are we supposed to do to get our kids to behave?" How about talking with them? Working with them? Helping them think about how others feel? Here are a couple of books I would highly recommend:

I did not follow the program all the way through, but have had in mind lately to return to it and to the one for older kids:

 

What I remember most from the first book (it's been a few years since I touched it) was the language and scenario playing that they give you. It worked fantastically! Just little things like helping children distinguish between their wants and another's wants and how they can be different and it's okay... Very helpful. So many behaviour problems can be fixed by kids simply learning more about themselves and other people. Giving points and rewards for "good behaviour" doesn't address the misunderstandings and lack of knowledge that they have!

Another fantastic book, I love this book so much:

 

A must-have book, one to read and re-read and reference throughout the years.

As adults, we certainly don't have other adults rewarding us for individual good "parenting behaviours"  (good grief, could you imagine????). What do we do if we're struggling? We learn different ways of doing things. That's what kids need. And they need to learn them for the sake of learning them, for harmony with others, not because they get to have a cool activity at the end of the week. (Barbara Coloroso takes the same approach and even applies it to money: don't give kids an allowance because they've done chores. What happens if they've decided they don't want the money anymore? They'll stop doing the chores!)

Maria Montessori would add to all of this: normalize them. Yes, you need to step in when their behaviour is destructive or problematic, but then put them to work. Get them involved in meaningful (to the kids) activity, activity that requires their focus. There's a lot of talk about how to help kids' self-esteem and when I think of the Montessori Method and the focus on work that engages the kids and builds them, there is the building of self-esteem right there. Self-esteem is not just about words: it is about ability and knowing you are able. The more kids are focused on what they are doing and the stuff they are learning, how can they not think of themselves as other than able? With the Montessori Method always about meeting the child at their level and pushing them a tad further, it goes a long ways to helping build them. And the activity somehow calms them, levels them, and just that reduces so many behaviour problems.

There is so much else that can be done than punishment and reward system to guide children in their behaviour! It's not necessarily easy to change what we grew up with, and even after we have changed, we might resort to the good old tactics we know so well, but in my opinion, whatever we can bring into it to treat our children like people and not little creatures to control, the better.

Inspiring the Non-Writer to Write

The title of this post came to mind this morning as I was getting ready. I had, before that thought, been thinking about Charlotte Mason (as an approach) and my son and what to do with him this next school year as a writer. Do I take the CM approach and just do copywork until his handwriting is decent and he's had a fair amount of practice and exposure to punctuation, sentence structure, etc., and have him do oral narrations? Then Montessori came to mind, with the early guided writing activities. Eventually thoughts came to me sitting down and writing out my thoughts and then the title just popped in.

Inspiring the Non-Writer to Write

That is what I want to do. I would like to inspire him to write. The only "writing" he does at the moment are PS3 messages to his cousins. Now, that's all fine and dandy and has him asking about spelling and punctuation, but, let's face it, that's not going to help him much if one-line messages are the extent of his writing abilities.

There is a huge push in educational circles (not homeschooling ones, really) to just use the computer. "Let him type/dictate. He doesn't really need to know how to write it out by hand." That just feels like dumbing things down to me. The hand is so integral in the development of our brains and thinking... If he can get his fingers to move in the right places for typing, then gosh darn it, he can use his hand to write out letters! :)

I realize I'm faced with potential difficulties: the lack of physical skill in writing letters, maintaining size and spacing, etc.. This work will have to be separate from the "inspirational" part. Especially at nearly 12 years old. The thing is I have to make sure that the physical skill aspect does not dominate the inspirational side; that would be a sure demotivator!

Which all leads me to the big question: How do you inspire an almost 12-year non-writer to write?

Turn to what he loves a little voice whispered in my head.

Okay, what does he love? Baby Blues comics. (Nope, not kidding. lol. He has taken every one he can out of the library, I think. It's the only thing he's been reading lately. And he'll read the books over and over and over.) And he still loves Calvin and Hobbes and Garfield. So, there's an idea right there for the fiction/funny side: Work on making his own comic. There is certainly enough that happens in this house for content... ;)

What else does he love? Computer/PS3 games. Hm... What sort of writing ideas can come from this?

*start a blog with his reviews about games (this does mean typing, but I could have him write it out by hand first)
*um... (anybody have anything they can add???)

He loves playing: Lego, Nerf, in forts... *mindsgoneblankforideasthere*

He loves animals, too. He knows so much about all kinds of insects, sharks and dinosaurs. Just last night, we were watching Raiders of the Lost Ark together and I said something about the opening story and wondering where it was taking place. Ds said it was in Mexico. No, it can't be, I said, because the native tribe isn't Mexican. They look more South American, rain forest-like. But he said the Mexican red kneed tarantula that they used only lives in Mexico. Well, by golly, he was right about the tarantulas! The scenes are supposed to be in Peru, so I was right on that part, but those tarantulas do not exist in Peru. :)

So... Projects on animals. But what could be really inspirational? The idea of a blog connects him with the greater world, gives him a chance to share things with others. The comics are things he can share with cousins (or hey, even start a website with his comics) and others. The standard project ideas are, well, disconnected and boring. Or maybe not. They just don't seem "real". How many lapbooks have you read as an adult lately? ;) That said, if I start a lapbook or some other type of project on something, he will be likely to follow suit, so I guess I can't really dismiss the idea entirely.

I suppose I need to keep along these multidisciplinary lines. English class has us often writing just for the sake of writing. But he'll be studying various things and the writing can be incorporated in meaningful ways. *noddingheadhere* Meaningful ways. Worth repeating. When you have something meaningful, the motivation and inspiration are already there. I can show him poetry but tie it in with science (Ode to Tarantulas?) and more.

Distractions around here are messing with my thought processes, so I'll leave this for now. If you have any ideas to share, please do!!

Crazy Tuesday!

I meant to check in yesterday to say how the day had gone.

As usual: Not at all as planned.

First, my nephew didn't come since he'd been invited to spend a couple of days with friends.

Then, when my nieces did arrive, the 7yo (K) didn't feel great, so she just wanted to be on the sofa with her DS. I let both girls play a bit. The weather was gloomy and things just felt weird, kwim? We also had a thunderstorm at 9:30-10 in the morning, then no rain until late afternoon. I kept busy with my own stuff rather than doing specific activities with the kids. Later in the morning, K asked if we could do salt dough. I said sure. So, I found a salt dough recipe online, made a small batch for them and then we had lunch. Not quite the routine I had in mind, but a start: the girls helped clear their things and then K mostly put the tablecloth on by herself. Right after lunch, I can't really remember. I know the girls ended up watching a movie... Hm. It was a weird day yesterday and it could be felt, one of those days where the energy of impending weather keeps building and building. We ended up on tornado watch and severe thunderstorm warning in the afternoon, that kind of day.

Today, complete OPPOSITE start: the girls got here bubbly, giggly, noisy... and it lasted throughout the morning. Even while painting their salt dough creations. And going to the store. And doing this and that. Things have finally calmed down, but the weather has been building up and getting gloomier and everybody seems to be calming down. I still have not done any specific lessons with them, but that's okay. They did help with the lunch prep and cleared their places, then went on to do some quiet stuff right after. It's a lovely little routine. :)

Speaking of their salt dough creations, here they are:

 The 4yo's creation. My camera's a little damaged, but you can maybe make out the 3 eyes on each of her creatures? The smaller thing with just a ball is their breakfast plate or something like that. lol

Can't figure out why Blogger is insisting on rotating the picture and can't figure out how to change it!

K's creations. If you turn the first one slightly, it's like a big fish.

I definitely need to have a plan in place for tomorrow!

Sort of starting tomorrow! Yikes!

I feel completely unprepared for tomorrow when my nieces and nephew will be back during the day since their parents' summer holiday time is over. I guess it's okay if I have nothing planned since they usually just contentedly play the first couple days back, but I would like to have a kind of plan. And actually make an attempt to implement it.

As I was cleaning up our "school shelf" area yesterday, not the shelves themselves but the stuff below, I was saddened by how they are not really used by my kids. I guess part of it is they are too old and I haven't shown my son enough, so he won't turn to a bunch of it. The other part is that there is stuff in there I could use with my nieces, but I don't. Reminds of the saying, "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail." Now, sometimes my plans fall apart, but I know I won't move forward with Montessori stuff for my nieces (who are 7 and almost 5) until I at least plan things.

I have been thinking I ought to sit down and brainstorm a bit, so that's what I'm doing here. :) Perfect way to not lose what I've written down. :P

Some thoughts and not just for my nieces, but for my nephew and my kids, not in any particular order necessarily and my apologies at the potential lack of coherence (consider the following stream-of-consciousness writing):


A routine of some sort would be good. Things like morning story time or pre-lunch cleanup or walking the dog together each day at a specific time.


Lessons: a grid to plan for each of the little girls would be good so I can tackle their very different needs. The 4.5yo likes working on language and math but I can't forget that she also needs practical life and sensorial.


That makes me think that it would be good to have a time each week, or every couple of days or something, where the practical life is cooking or baking. I have a great kids cookbook, can't remember the name at the moment, but it has some great ideas. The kids always love baked goods but moving away from sweets would be good.


Sandpaper letters are a must. I think K (7yo) would love to 100 chain.


What did Maria Montessori do for her first schedule? She had care of self and then care of the environment. There are habits that are too ingrained with this bunch for them to think it just great to start doing chores once they arrive. :P I'm going to have to play around a bit with how the day starts out, or maybe just spend a great deal of time observing. At the same time, I have my own personal list of things I'd like to get done, so how observant will I be?


Things to do during a week: library, outside time, baking/cooking, art/craft time, music time--we have the recorders and the piano and guitars... What else? Language--read-alouds and sandpaper letters and I Spy. The older kids have a wealth of books available to them to read. (Should we have a quiet time after lunch for reading or some other individual quiet activity? That was nice when we did that.) Math--I'm not sure where I left of with J (4.5yo) and her math stuff, so I should probably pull out Gettman and have a look at the beginning math stuff. Culture: Maps... I'm not sure what else is appropriate geography-wise. Science--all kinds of stuff in Gettman for the younger girls and there are some kits my son has that he and my nephew would love. I also have the microscope, which I could set up on the little table. I really need to get a book about how to prepare slides and all that so we can start making our own. What else? Phys. ed.? Walks and yoga and outside time for skipping, soccer, playing at the park, catch... Hm... Anything else I can think of? I do wonder about the Great Lessons. I had started them with my son this past year but we didn't get very far. If I did an abbreviated version of the first one (I find it soooo long) and made sure to make it very dramatic and story-like, then found books at the library for follow up ideas... Then move onto the second lesson. Perhaps not do any Key Lessons (especially since I don't really know what they all are). To present all the lessons to them before my nieces and nephew head off to school at the end of August could be really good. Am I missing anything? Probably. ;)


On a typical day, what do I envision? They'll get here, they'll probably all head off to play--things at other people's places are always more interesting, especially when you haven't seen the stuff in a month ;P--but I need to be ready with stuff. Do I want a list to run through? Do I want a list of ideas and to pick one as I see it is needed? For example, if I have the list "read-aloud, lesson time, outdoor time, art time...", can I just randomly pick? Well, of course I *can*, but is that what I want? *mindgoesblank* (5 seconds later) *mindisstillblank* lol


I'm not looking to get into any serious work stuff, although I know K wants to work on cursive and higher math stuff; I will kind of have to move through some of the math sequence to get a feel for where she is. Does she know thousands? I know she can count to 100, but does that mean something to her? Probably lots of Golden Bead work with her, including operations work. That's what she really wants. She's already been shown a bit of multiplication by her brother and cousin (she's only heading into grade 2 in a public school--they don't do multiplication yet). It would be helpful to have a chart for her with the various lessons in it and space for me to note if she's been presented the material and level of mastery. Same goes for her sister!


For M (12yo nephew), he's hit a phase... I'm not looking to provide as much "education", you could say, to him as to the girls, but I do want to offer him a variety of things he can connect with, things he will enjoy that he won't get to do in school. He's been very different here the past few months when he has come after school: less likely to play with the others, more likely to just read or find something to do by himself. I find it a little worrying, only because I really don't know what's going on. That kind of retreating from others can be a sign of bigger problems--or it can just be a sign of him needing some more alone time after a day of dealing with school. He's headed off to junior high in the fall. I want here to be a place that can engage him, plant seeds of interest... I do worry about how jr. high will be for him. Maybe his is, too.


What about my kids? Well, the activities I brainstormed above can work for them, too. They both like read-alouds and reading. I won't do any work-specific stuff probably with them, although MadLibs are always good, Scrabble's good... All kinds of language games that can be played. Math-wise, they accept that we'll ask them a question that is connected with something we're talking about, even if sometimes what we're talking about is something dh has taught to his grade 9 students for math. :D What other math things could potentially engage them? *mindgoesblank* Science was already mentioned; my 14yo might join in on that or not. Oh, and I already talked about the Great Lessons. There's all kinds of stuff we have for geography and history, too. Things to think about more.


What are my days going to look like? What would I like them to look like? I would like to offer at least one thing for the little girls each day, one thing for the boys, have some outdoor time each day where I'm with them outside instead of my usual staying inside. Oh, just had more thoughts: crafty stuff like finger knitting and crochet and knitting and other craft stuff we have. I also have all kinds of grade 2 workbooks (K loves workbooks!) and more. But I've lost my train of thought. Each day would have a preparation for an activity/presentation/lesson for the different kids. My dd is probably fine without something specific each day for her, but time set aside just for art at least once a week, something where it can be adapted to her and to the little girls would be good. The boys are in the middle so they'll be fine if they choose to join in. So what's that leave me? Daily "lesson" time, outdoor time, I'd like daily read-aloud (any specific time? it's been up until now one of those activities great to start when things get a little goofy; gets their attention and they calm down and listen right away, esp. the girls). Do I want the after-lunch quiet time? Even just 10 minutes would be good. Oh, oh, oh, I want a lunch routine. I want us to do something we used to do: Somebody is responsible for putting the "nappe" (English word's not coming to me at the moment) on the table and then we all sit down together to eat. We could say grace before lunch (that's not been a habit around here) and one day, I think it would be great if we did the Angelus; dd learned it at camp in previous years. I've never learned it. It would be something more to show the others. When we had our lunch routine in the past, somebody was responsible for clearing the table so we could have lunch, others were responsible for making sure the kitchen was clean afterward. This might not work quite so well since my nieces and nephew come with school-style lunches most of the time and it's really not their job, I don't think, to be helping clean up my stuff, dh's stuff and my kids' stuff! It could be worked out with dd and ds who will do what for after lunch cleaning (dishes, sink, counters...). At the same time, perhaps we could change things a bit and instead of eating from their lunch kits, my nieces and nephew could put their food on plates, not have their lunch kits on the table while they eat, and then they participate in the clean-up. I could give them the option, too.

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Wow. I'm not sure I can say I feel like I know what I'm doing tomorrow, but just getting all of that out of my brain was great! Let me see what I can specifically plan for tomorrow:

*J and K's lesson: sandpaper letters (they both love them); J, especially, loves playing Sandpaper Letter Hide-and-Seek. :)
*Pull out ds's chemistry kit for a lesson/activity with the older kids
*walk the dog (if weather permits; forecast for this week isn't fantastic)
*music time in the afternoon sometime
*maybe go to the library
*for me to do: read up on the first Great Lesson, work on lesson charts, create activities lists according to type (a list for outdoor activities, for example; another list with food prep that can be done)

All right, that is plenty for now. I wonder how many people will actually read to this part? ;D